Recently, there has been some needless controversy regarding the acceptance of trans people
within the right wing. Beautiful people have been called “mentally ill,” “batty,” “man-handed
freakazoids,” and even “proof that G-d either makes mistakes or just really hates us.” These
sickening comments dare to make a value judgement, and that’s really just wrong. It’s well past time
to set the record straight, and highlight a few of the many reasons that the right should court
transgenders.
Transsexuals are a large constituency, and thus an important voting bloc. Take a look at an average
family: one mother, one father, one cat, and one child. Chances are, one or two of the family
members are trans. It could be the mother, the father, the son or daughter, or the cat, but at least
one of these has transitioned. It’s just science. The prevalence of these totally normal individuals
means that outreach to them must be done if the right is to remain politically viable.
Transsexuals are in a unique, but healthy, state of mind. Their special outlook on life, having seen
modernity through the lenses of both male and female, will be beneficial for the right’s outreach to
diverse people groups. Who would a group of older women prefer talking to: a boring housewife with
two children and a husband who works a nine to five, or a busty 6’2” blonde with chest and posterior
implants, in addition to experience as a high-powered male executive? The females, especially
those of the lesbian persuasion (yes, True Conservatives embrace same-sex relationships, bigot
leftists), will obviously prefer the latter, more exciting, trans-woman.
Transsexuals play a vital role in any society. Some famous but quietly trans individuals throughout
history: Paul the Apostle, Napoleon, Joan of Arc, Aristotle, Adam (from the biblical parable), Tesla,
and some historians even suggest George Washington to be of such a persuasion. Clearly, the
trans-mind is made of superior material. Where some see “confusion” or “mental instability”, there
instead exists a cranium so buzzing with vim and vigor that it would be attractive to any individual
even slightly sapiosexual. Trans: they’re not just sexy and empowered, they’re leaders! Who
wouldn’t want such a powerful force on their side?
Male to female transsexuals make excellent wives. Due to their former condition (being assigned
male at birth by a stupid transphobe doctor), they know what men look for in a woman. This allows
them to behave in the best feminine manner possible. After all, what is a woman more than a man
with a bigger chest and lots of makeup placed upon the face? Also, since males are better cooks
than females, a MtF transsexual will make wonderful souffles and other complicated dishes. The
right wing is filled with single men looking for traditional mates, and trans people are ready and
willing to get hitched.
The startlingly high suicide rates of trans people (due entirely to bullying from hetero-pigs and not
any feelings of despair due to mutilation of the body) may be slightly off-putting, but there exists a
silver lining that many seem to miss. The trans community is excellent at tying knots, operating
firearms in exciting ways, and writing on sites such as tumblr and reddit. You can’t say that of the
average cis male, who instead does boring things like going to work and taking care of family. The
diverse range of trans-skills is inspiring!
While the two prior paragraphs may seem unrelated to politics at first glance, they are quite integral.
Imagine the near future. It’s election season and a small family gathers around the television set to
view a political debate. A commercial pops on the screen, showing a republican candidate: a lovely
middle-aged male to female trans-mestizo. She places a cake in an oven, pops a few estrogen pills,
and starts polishing a jet black shotgun. Radiating both strength (big powerful gun) and tenderness
(tasty cake, pills), she says in a smoky half-man half-woman voice, “I’m with you, citizen. Even if you
are a disgusting cisgendered white heterosexual.” After such an endearing display, the election is
sure to be won by the right wing in a breathtaking landslide.
A trans person is just like any other person, but better. Transsexuals make up the majority of the
population, and the trans lobby has been known to decide elections in the past. Trans individuals
have experience living as both genders, which allows them a nuanced view on sex relations. They
dominate all leadership fields due to their minds which are constantly abuzz with new ideas and
perspectives. Trans women are the solution to low marriage rates within the right wing, being
superior to biological females in nearly every way. The aforementioned benefits, combined with their
unique interest in potentially life ending activities, makes trans individuals the ideal candidates for
the republican party.
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