Loneliness, the feeling follows me everywhere. I cannot escape feeling incomplete and the gnawing desire for companionship. I need social interaction to feel whole. When the lights fade and the crowds are gone, I feel so empty.
What can be done about the lingering hole? What can one do to best the dragon that is the insecurity - one of many - pertaining to the deep seated heartache and physical discomfort at the thought that maybe, just maybe, I'm not good enough and don't deserve anyone special to ease my pain. Like all males, I think about missed opportunity or social blunders and the ensuing uncomfortable burning in my chest comes to the forefront of my senses. Heartache, we've all felt it. That panging pain ripping through our very soul, dragging us down to the pits of despair. But what use is it to feel such a vivid human emotion if there is no respite?
Most nights I snuggle in my king sized bed with a comforter and the warm glare of a cell phone, catching up on the news and my various interests. Then I become tired and the thoughts and fears come flooding in, I can feel my heart begin to race and the sweat creeps out of my pores at an increased rate. Sometimes I'll wake up in a puddle of sweat as I have had multiple nightmares recounting my past faux pas and embarrassing experiences where I was humiliated and felt shame and remorse wash over the core of my being.
The pain of being alone hurts, but I dull it with drugs and alcohol. Alcohol helps me to forget and unwind, I find if I don't drink the pain of being unloved and without another to kiss or hug or share my deepest inadequacies completely dominates my mind. I'll often be miserable while drunk, more often than not now, but at least I can find it in me to cry tears without holding in my unhappy reality that I cannot seem to change and will most likely never find relief from.
Every day I grow older and more bitter, more hate filled at those around me with things I do not have, such as requited love, stability, happiness, a lack of depression, contentment, a happy go lucky attitude, a way with words in a flippant manner, versatility, no substance abuse issues, no pathological behavior stemming from very real deficits that have held me back for years, and a positive - glass half full - outlook on life. I fear I will die alone, and what's worse is through nobody's actions but my own. Not having anybody to blame has devastated me, as I refuse to take the role of a protaganist in my own life, and never will.
I am so lonely and loveless.
What can be done about the lingering hole? What can one do to best the dragon that is the insecurity - one of many - pertaining to the deep seated heartache and physical discomfort at the thought that maybe, just maybe, I'm not good enough and don't deserve anyone special to ease my pain. Like all males, I think about missed opportunity or social blunders and the ensuing uncomfortable burning in my chest comes to the forefront of my senses. Heartache, we've all felt it. That panging pain ripping through our very soul, dragging us down to the pits of despair. But what use is it to feel such a vivid human emotion if there is no respite?
Most nights I snuggle in my king sized bed with a comforter and the warm glare of a cell phone, catching up on the news and my various interests. Then I become tired and the thoughts and fears come flooding in, I can feel my heart begin to race and the sweat creeps out of my pores at an increased rate. Sometimes I'll wake up in a puddle of sweat as I have had multiple nightmares recounting my past faux pas and embarrassing experiences where I was humiliated and felt shame and remorse wash over the core of my being.
The pain of being alone hurts, but I dull it with drugs and alcohol. Alcohol helps me to forget and unwind, I find if I don't drink the pain of being unloved and without another to kiss or hug or share my deepest inadequacies completely dominates my mind. I'll often be miserable while drunk, more often than not now, but at least I can find it in me to cry tears without holding in my unhappy reality that I cannot seem to change and will most likely never find relief from.
Every day I grow older and more bitter, more hate filled at those around me with things I do not have, such as requited love, stability, happiness, a lack of depression, contentment, a happy go lucky attitude, a way with words in a flippant manner, versatility, no substance abuse issues, no pathological behavior stemming from very real deficits that have held me back for years, and a positive - glass half full - outlook on life. I fear I will die alone, and what's worse is through nobody's actions but my own. Not having anybody to blame has devastated me, as I refuse to take the role of a protaganist in my own life, and never will.
I am so lonely and loveless.
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